Hi, my name is Alice and I am 23 years old.
I started off this year with unusually very high hopes; because, all considered, it could be a great turning point in my life on many facets – according to my life plan. With this much hope also came great fear – the fear of failing. The fear of not making it. My decade-old demons of taking my life still lingered in the shadows of my thoughts and intermittently, I’d feel the scare. But we labour on, I sighed, to spend and be spent.
In a shell, this year passes for my worst. The coldest and murkiest season of my entire existence. I mishandled very pertinent situations in my life and they all literally blew up in my face. I’d always lived by the mantra that “we cannot control every outcome of life” – well the fates did give me a real-life elucidation.
My old-time friend I attempted to make up my errors with, told me in the plain, it is something she wouldn’t want to. With all due calmness, my life in hers was something she wouldn’t wish for anymore; while another in a different context, told me ‘I was bad for her mental health’. These are words you wouldn’t want to hear.
My two best friends I’d always loved and cared deeply for started moving away too – one for the thought that I was not as caring as before and the other felt I was a bit much for her. She found more joy with all the other people, even those that gave her nothing than with me who’d give her everything.
For a couple of days in the year, I had literally no one to confide in or talk to, and for two reasons. Firstly, my closest people were hurting and I was the cause while my family felt distance was best; for I was all the reason for their unhappiness. This was a very hard place to be. My health was consistently deteriorating – but I dared not trigger any personal medical expenses yet – for I was being gulped up in pertinent bills. Dark clouds were all over me.
The only thing that stood between me and the rope was the desire to prove to all the people I hurt – that I meant it all for good and I really did put them first always. I would never hurt a fly, yet I became despicable to everyone. And with the pandemic sweeping across the globe and everyone in-house, I felt stuck. Stuck in my body with a deep voice crying inwardly to be heard. I had never yearned to be more understood than in this year.
Oh, the cusp of feeling as a villain, was when my very good friend would enter the cafeteria and leave, almost in a single turn, because of me. She could not stand seeing my face. Stories were told to the masses about my ‘inhumanity’. I heard the voices behind me so severally, the Chapel became not a home to me anymore. The fear of Karma was to hang over me and their forgiveness for me, I was told could only happen by the divine. Happiness was so distant.
I had had Gold taken away from me – but worst of all, I lost me.
Nevertheless, the year passes equally for my best yet! I’d once been deemed ‘sacrificial’, yet I’d meet one more selfless than myself, Johnson. His sweet smile and welcoming voice even in chaos, felt like the home I never had. This year I broke ground for newer career challenges, some too high for a girl my age – but darn did that feel so good.
Making my niece and nephew happy was golden and in the distance, their smiles, hugs and words made me believe again, that despite everything, I really was a good person with good intents.
This year, I met a someone and he changed my narrative. He made me feel loved even in my brokenness and gave me fruits. Ha! Never have I ever received that many love letters in my life. I’d also meet one gentleman who would still love me from a distance because some ship of love set sail before the ticketing.
In the shadows, I still had my people who still believed in me and loved me – people I’ll now know to love for the rest of my life. I made a couple more friends and got to laugh more at the year’s end.
I built and ended projects with feathers in my cap. I got a few more boxes ticked off my life’s bucket list. More pleasurably, I found the strength to sacrifice more, to endure more and to give more to the people who couldn’t or didn’t have. I found it possible to care for others even when I wasn’t so sure of what it was or if I was doing it right. Oh, lastly, I met Tim Urban and Luvie Ajayi – well, on YouTube. Ha!
I had heard Kate Bowler talk about how “Everything happens for a reason” was amongst some of the biggest lies she’d grown up to love – but never had I ever felt more fitting in her shoes.
This year, I was shown I was “rejectable”. This year, my sanctimonious badge of innocence was striped as I watched myself shatter the heart and life of one of the best people I’ve loved who’d loved me even more. This year I cowered under the pressures of frustration and snapped – I broke down. Yes, my perception of absolute emotional mastery over myself was disproved – I was only human.
I saw the world change and with my always pious and ‘esteemed’ suggestions of remedies, myself, together with the world, was silenced. There was a higher order now.
But this year has still won as the best – for it has brought me back to base. It took me to points where when it came to blessings, I started counting the pennies – those I’d often overlooked. This year I understood and valued forgiveness – for I realized it wasn’t a common thing for humans to give. This year, I’ve understood H. Spafford when he scripts the line “It is well with my soul”.
I concur again to Kate Bowler when she says, “Life is beautiful and life is so hard”. No wonder “Blessings” would be my theme word at the year’s end! Life has been so interesting and yes, life has been so hard.
So, Hi, again. My name is Alice and I am 23 years old and for the total package this year gave me, I call 2020 – The Gift!
@AliceRuth_97
#TheBlessing
#2020
#Writers
Lovely...����
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